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b-sides

I am watching the opposite block of flats. Most windows are dark, people have left the city. There’s a big screen in one of the rooms, showing a television show of some sort. The screen just went black, an interlude between the scenes, and the room turned dark. I became aware that I was watching and felt weirdly abandoned, like no one else was watching the screen but me. Then it lit up again, a new scene like nothing had happened. The people who live there turned on the lights. My room is becoming darker too.

I visited my parents today. Stood in the hallway, fiddled around and took my shoes of, put my bag on the floor, looked around. My dad came. I looked distraught. I’m trying to coordinate my hands I said. My mom came too, I felt like I hadn’t seen her for ages which is not true, and I was surprised that I was so childishly happy to see her. Her face felt new. My dad made some coffee and I went for a walk with my mom. We came back and I said I was leaving soon, it was getting late, and asked my dad for something I had been asking for before. I watched his back as he left the room and thought of how easily I get annoyed around him, and when he’s not there I miss him. A weird long stretch of goodbye because I didn’t want to give them a hug.

Construction work on the roof across the street. Sometimes the wind lifts the scaffold covers like a dress, but there’s nothing behind them, just the sky. Today the plastic mesh looks like white gold in the morning light. The sun is bright through the windows. It hits my face as it rises above the roof on the other side of the street, and only an hour later it’s in the other room, like I am. I follow the light throughout the day. These days I have time to notice it.

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